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User talk:Wickedest dondada
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the Heart Breakers page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! SoPretentious (talk) 20:31, June 8, 2016 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 20:34, June 8, 2016 (UTC) Re: Story The story was deleted as it was not up to quality standards. There are quite a lot of punctuation, capitalization, wording, and story issues here. Punctuation issues: punctuation missing from multiple lines of dialogue. "who would like to teach you a thing or two about real love(,)” Matthews said", "“Ok, ok(,)” Clark giggled", “Sandra, her name was Sandra(.)” Dialogue should be treated like proper sentences and require the necessary capitalization and punctuation. You also forget to abbreviate sergeant and properly use commas. "You see Sgt it was self (should be hyphenated) defense", "“Don’t worry Matthews(,) the jury will see it my way, don’t worry(Period also missing)”", "As Matthews looked at Clark with Surmounting (surmounting) nausea and disgust(,) Clark looked back misreading the silent gaze for understanding and probably even pity.", etc. Wording: "he grew his hair passed (past) his unconventionally small ears and", it's=it is, its=possession. "Please, don’t interrupt, its (it's) rude.", "We had sex a few time (sic) a week for about a month", "I quietly got out of bed, walked to the kitchen and grabbed my sharp pumpkin carving knife, my favorite knife with all the pumpkin carving memories of me and Michelle, happy.", etc. The best way to catch these errors is to read your story aloud to yourself and correct any issues you see. Capitalization: Improperly capitalized words/proper nouns left uncapitalized. "the usual mad hatter,", "Alice in wonderland (Wonderland),(should be a hyphen) looking murderers was the fact that he was a billionaire", "I don’t have time for your mind games, Talk or you’ll go to a cell", "Sex street (Street) dr. (Drive)", "As Matthews looked at Clark with Surmounting (surmounting) nausea and disgust Clark looked back misreading the silent gaze for understanding and probably even pity.", etc. I suggest carefully proof-reading your stories as a lot of these errors are pretty noticeable. Story issues: You make it seem like the antagonist picked up a hooker on the street ("I went down to 7th Ave, or Sex street dr. looking for some action"), but it's clearly not as a week later she's living with him in his house and they're in a romantic relationship. It feels extremely rushed and since this is building up to the climax of the story, it feels like it needs a lot more fleshing out. Sandra's death is the entire reason that he's being arrested, so to address their interactions in a paragraph without much detail really feels lacking. Story issues cont.: The twist that Matthews is married to the same woman feels extremely coincidental and contrived. First off, how exactly is she meeting and targeting these random men. The antagonist was targeted because he was rich, why was the Sgt.? Additionally it feels really coincidental that she would meet and marry another man within six months after the divorce. This becomes even more complicated when you realize that most courts require pretty lengthy waiting periods for divorces to be finalized in cases of changes of heart or extenuating circumstances. To add more onto this, courts don't always award women with such large sums unless they're getting custody of kids in the relationship or there is trauma present to suggest the woman is unable to care for herself. This story has quite a lot of problems and really isn't up to quality standards due to its punctuation, capitalization, wording, and story issues. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 21:19, June 9, 2016 (UTC)